Embrace Ltd. of Uggadunk V3.0 says: In 1988 Uggadunk V3.0 was formed by some Computer Engineer students at the university of Karlstad, Sweden. During some very boring lessons in Pascal programming we began writing a story to make time pass faster. I had the amusing pleasure of translating it to English from the Swedish original. The story is quite odd and confusing, containing many internal jokes, perversions and stuff that is very Swedish and quite intranslatable. If you're going to read it, suit yourself, because here's THE STORY OF MOOSE SKIN BENGT BY UGGADUNK V3.0 Chapter 1 Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a cabin far out in the forest. One day a vacuum cleaner salesman came to His house which was far out in the forest. The vacuum cleaner salesman came to the door and knocked on it. 5 minutes later Moose Skin Bengt opened the window and looked at the vacuum cleaner salesman. - "Hi there !", said Moose Skin Bengt. - "Hi His !", said the vacuum cleanel salesman, since that was the man's name. (That is, the man, not Moose Skin Bengt) - "My name isn't His", said Moose Skin Bengt, "I'm just on a visit here." His called (sitting in the cabin) - "Is that you Greta dear ?" - "No stupid, I'm the vacuum cleaner salesman. I'm coming in now!", and so he did. Moose Skin Bengt said "Hello you man! I'm Moose Skin Bengt, I'm fine." - "Oh really", said the vacuum cleaner salesman. - "Have you got any power ?", the vacuum cleanel salesman asked Bengt with the skin of a moose. - "Yes", he said, "two, at least", he answered. - "Pity, I hate such" thus said the vacuum cleanel salesman. - "Look, here is a blue Philips! We call this model 'Lady Sucker'. With a double tube system and bag. 30 SEK per bag. There's room for three ladies in each bag", said the salesman. - "Gosh, is there room for Moose Skin Helga too in a bag like that?", said Moose Skin Bengt while sloughing his skin. - "I doubt that", said the vacuum cleaner salesman, whose name was Okie. - "Do you wanna sing too ?" said Bengt. - "YEEAAAHH!" Okie, His, and the sloughed moose skin sang together: - "We'll join the ring together and take each other's hands" - "We'll join the ring together and care about our friends" - "We'll eat each other's bodies and puke just for a while" - "Speaking of Moose Skin Helga, she's in fact not a lady, therefore the cause because." - "May I demonstrate ?" said Okie. - "Please, do!" said His. In that very moment there was a knock on the door and a lady stood outside. - "Come in" said Okie "and you'll see." With a roar the Lady Sucker started. But when Okie was about to suck the lady, blood and rags splashed all over the place since Okie had brought his lawn mower instead. - "Oops" said Bengt "this succeeded beyond all expectations." - "Yeah" said Okie "we really have efficient Lady Suckers." Suddenly a big noise was heard outside the house. Bengt and Okie looked out: - "Holy moose skins !!!" Bengt exclaimed. Outside the house were 5892 ladies who, just by coincidence, happened to pass by. - "Gosh" yelled Bengt without moose skin, "should they or we suck first ?" - "They !", said Okie, "lalle", Hans and Cabin (in which they lived.) - "Come and suck", shouted Bengt, "two files and one at the time." Leaning on the sucker they were sucked for two hours. - "You suck fine", said Okie to the ladies. - "Yeah sure, you gotta get something in your stomach", said Berit-Lisa-Olga-Wilma-Jane-Olga-Berit. - "Eeny-Weeny, this was better than Moose Skin Helga", said Bengt, who now had got a new crocodile skin. "Let's suck", said Crocodile Skin Bengt to Okie, started the sucker and made mishmash of the rests. Mishmash with white sauce. 2 Just as Crocodile Skin Bengt was about to take his first bite of miahmash with white sauce, the big and wicked giant Helge-Alf appeared. - "If you don't give me something to eat, I'll step on your house.", said Helge-Alf. Since Helge-Alf is 40 meters tall and weighs 86532 kilos without clothes, His suggested that they should do something about the situation. - "Hey Crocodile Skin Bengt", said Sales-Okie, "isn't Helge-Alf's foot like a lady to 103 % ?" - "Yes", said Crocodile Skin Bengt, "quickly, give me the Sucker!" Slfzbrpxschtj! (sound effect in real time) "Here you are, Helge-Alf", said Bengt. - "Thank you", said Helge-Alf, "that was yum yum !" (This was allright, since Helge-Alf the giant has 13 feet.) - "Uahhh !", yelled Okie. - "What is it", asked Bengt. - "A UFO! Look up there!" Svirr svirr it sounded as it swept over the house and landed far out in the forest. - "Well, that was fun, wasn't it. That was my newest Electrolux being delivered to Trulsa in the Turn. - "Look there!", said Bengt, "is that a UFO?" and pointed at something slimy that was flying in the clouds. - "No, that's just left since the sucking.", said the vacuum cleaner salesman. - "Now I'm angry", said the vacuum cleanel salesman, "I want to demonstlate my machine !!" - "What have you got", asked His who was a quiet and modest man. - "A fantastic machine! It sucks up dust and withered leaves and othel leaves and bank notes and ashes and mishmash and moose skin rags and sand and hair and wood-lice and other things that you want to get rid of." - "Great", said Crocodile Skin Bengt, "I gotta try it." - "What are we gonna try it on ?", said Okie. "We'll try it on Helge-Alf.", said the vacuum cleaner salesman, for he has schizofrenia. The vacuum cleanel salesman stalted his machine and started to suck Helge-Alf. But then a big noise was heard and everything became white. A thick layer of snow covered the ground although it was in the middle of July. - "What's this ?", asked Bengt. - "Just what I thought", said His, "I knew it was gonna come." - "What is it ?", asked the vacuum cleaner salesman. - "It's the Ice Age." - "Ma !", shouted Helge-Alf. - "My son", rumbled Ice Age, Helge-Alf's mother who suffers from terrible scurf formations, "Are the little nasty men bad to you ?" - "Oh no, not at all", answered Helge-Alf, "we're playing so well together. They gave my one of my feet to eat and it tasted relly good." - "Here you are", said Crocodile Skin Bengt, once again sloughing. - "But it's very cold", said the vacuum cleaner salesman. - "I just came to get Helge-Alf", said Ice Age, "come home now and have dinner." - "Yes mother", said Helge-Alf. - "Good to be rid of him", said Foreskin Bengt. Slowly but securely Bengtie took out his skis and went on a Wasalopp Race. His house stuck into the foreskin. The Lady Sucker sat and sucked itself as it saw Helge-Alf and Ice Age happily leap away towards the sunset. The vacuum cleanel moosed away to a veldiglis coppel plate and lay down to sleep. 3 Suddenly seven little dwarves came walking towards the house. His who was the only one to see the dwarves thought that they were looking for Snow White since he had recently read the tale of Snow White. When the dwarves arrived His thought that they looked a bit strange. They were dressed in leather and rivets and had ear-rings in their ears. Very strange. That was not in the tale. The ugliest dwarf, who had a big ring in his nose, came up to His and said: - "Erhhurhuf!" His didn't understand at all what he meant, but tried to explain that there was no Snow White. The dwarf went mad and said: - "Möøugh!" Then he went up to His and attempted to strangle him. - "Wait, wait" shouted Foreskin Bengt, who now returned from his Wasalopp Race. "I know the dwarf language!" He ripped off the skis and pulled off the house which was beginning to grow on to him. He went up to The_Ugliest_Dwarf, which was the name of the leader. - "Bghhappuq ngo Sno Hwiid" said Foreskin Bengt. The_Ugliest_Dwarf softened at once and grew tender. He said: - "Uækkh uppadooh ngjt Snø Hwiid. Hppqrl fåttar Erling Hwiid." - "Oh yeah", said Bengt with the skin before, "bghhappuq ngo Erling Wiidh." - "Plupp", said the dwarves in chorus and left the place in a body. - "They were looking for the Early White Man Who Doesn't Speak, and he's not here either.", said Foreskin Bengt to His and fell exhausted asleep by the oven. - "But what about Greta ?", wondered the vacuum cleanel salesman, dazed with sleep. - "What 'bout me, huh ?", said Greta and looked at the vacuum cleanel salesman with her three eyes. The vacuum cleanel salesman was very terrified when he saw the three eyes and ran off to Kuala Lumpur. But he forgot the Sucker and Greta was happy. 4 Suddenly a strange voice was heard from inside the forest and a face peeped out. - "Help !!! It's The Late Black Man", said Bengtie and became so afraid that he dropped the foreskin. - "Calm down", the vacuum cleaner said happily, "it's brother. He's just coming to save us from the big green uck far off at Trulsa in the Swamp." - "Have yah got ya club ?", asked the Sucker Lady Sucker. - "Naw", said the black ugly, "but the skates." - "Swell", said the Lady Sucker. And thus the two swayed away, tightly clinging to one another, to carve the throat off the nasty uck. Bengt tried to get on the foreskin again, but in vain, in was cracked. For you who don't know what an uck is, here's an excerpt from "THE STORY OF THE SLIMY UCK": The slimy uck is a green, slimy ugly bastard." That's about all there is documented about the uck. But back to our story. We'll probably never see the Lady Sucker and his brother again. Bengtie has a problem with his cracked foreskin. Författaren till berättelsen är mycket förvirrad. Han byter språk. Men då kommer ordföranden i KSE (Keep Sweden English) och slår honom i huvudet med ett engelskt lexicon och he returns to English. - "Guäæhqq", yelled Bengt as he dropped his skin. At the same time he started sloughing again. He followed the Lady Sucker & Bros. to torment uck. - "Hey Lady Sucker", he said to the Lady Sucker, "I'm following you to carve the uck." - "Okayy", said the Lady Sucker. They wandered for two years and finally they arrived at the big gate of Uckland. - "Choolahop", said Fish Scale Bengt. - "WHAT DO YOU WANT ?!!!", a guard was shouting in the gate. - "Carve uck." said Fish Scale Bengt. - "They like that", said the guard in the gate, "so come right in. Just open the gate and enter the Realm of the Ucks." The Lady Sucker & Bros opened the gate with the guard inside. - "How can there be room for you in the gate ? It's only 5 cm thick ?", asked Bros. While he was waiting for an answer, Fish Scale Bengt went home again, because he wanted to KILL, not amuse the ucks. - "Uckiuckiuckiuckiuck", an uck said to Bros. Then Bros went home. The Lady Sucker was møljing with the skate and carved ucks until he lost his suck, broke down and drowned in the swamp. 5 Back at the house Bengt sat, whistling a hit by Torsson, poking his navel and having a good time. In the forest was heard a mysterious sound. WIRR WIRR. Closer and closer. WIRR. - "What could it be", thought Bengt. Suddenly he saw a TV. On the TV they showed the Traffic Magazine with Christer Gnelling, demonstrating a Volvo Duet -62. It had a worn disc brake sounding WIRR WIRR all the time. Suddenly the broadcast was interrupted: - "Hi and wellcome ta His Pirate TV. Now I'm gonna show ya a show with Berit in Smoked Herring Hill." It was His who had turned the batteries backwards in Bros (the Lady Sucker's brother, the new Electrolux of Trulsa in the Turn (the Swamp)). He had rigged the tube of Bros and pointed it on Berit who was exposing herself on the kitchen sofa along with Jan the Rooster and a rolling-pin. Bengt was confused and dropped all his scales. It was true that Berit was quite like a Volvo Duet -62, but it was the rolling pin that confused Goose Skin Bengt so. It was in fact the same rolling pin that Moose Skin Helga had chased him with four years ago when he first came to His cabin. Now the rolling pin seemed to be in a much more comfortable environment. Speaking of that, or so, Goose Skin Bengt noticed that he was hungry. - "I wonder if there's something left of that yummy mishmash ? Perhaps even with those smashing green threads ?" While Bengt was dreaming His switched channel, since Berit had finished both the rooster and the rolling pin. He changed to making violence films in which he appeared (in disguise, of course). Unfortunately his Electrolux was too realistic with the result of blood splashing in the living-room at Lisa-Stina's. Lisa-Stina was so angry that she reported His to the Radio Inspection Committee. In that moment Okie revealed his true identity: He was a TV possession tracer for the telephone company. Since neither His nor Bengt had payed their TV licenses for the last 492 years, Okie became angry. Okie called the police and after a while the mean police alias Fatso appeared. Clomp clomp it sounded as Fatso's shoes size 107 hit the ground. - "Aaarrrggghhh !!!", Fatso roared. Bonk bonk it sounded as his big baton smattered against Bengt's and His heads. The Goose Skin fell off. - "Mercy", prayed Snake Skin Bengt. - "Wrrooaauuurrrggghh!!!", bellowed Fatso and brought His and Bengt to the police station. There sat Okie, filling in a report. - "Here we judge people without trial", said Fatso, "you'll have this cell. I may release you sometime. If I feel like it." - "Boohoo", cried His and Snake Skin Bengt. Then a voice was heard from the cell next to theirs. - "Holy rabbit eyes, Batman" was softly heard through the wall. - "BATMAN", yelled His and Bengt in chorus and a batwhisk came through the wall and the DYNAMIC DUO jumped in. - "Shit and snuff", said Boy Wonder, "this ain't the Bacon." - "Oh no ! He's tricked us again, that great Bacon." said Batman, "Now he's burgling at Trulsa in the Swamp instead. We gotta get the new Electrolux before him." His and Bengt slided through the hole and set off towards the cabin to get axes, because now they would get revenge on Fatso and Okie, damn it ! It turned out that Fatso and Okie had joined the Bacon to help him burgling. When "THE DYNAMIC QUARTET" came to the scene of the crime, the villains were already tied up by the handy Electrolux Bros, so it was just to call the police chief, who remitted His and Bengt's TV licenses by pure joy. - "Holy Lady Suckers", said Robin, "now we gotta set off." - "Yes", said BATMAN, "now we'll chase the apalling Dr. Fruit." With these words they fluttered away on their strong batwings. 6 - "That was that", said Snake Skin Bengt, "shall we go shopping in town now ?" - "Town, what's that ?", wondered His who hasn't been out so much. Then Bengt called the Street Office, who came and smacked up a tube station at Trulsa in the Swamp (the Turn). Since the tube station construction took a while they had time for lunch first. After lunch they both went and bought a day card each for the tube. Then they went to the big city of Crap. When they came to the big city of Crap it was completely empty. - "Where are all the people ?", asked Bengt. - "Something awful must have happened", said His. When the two heroes came to the square they saw something terrible: The awful Challenge had landed. - "Yeck, blaaah, a challenge terminal", moaned Bengt. His went up to one of the terminal's Lego buttons and tried to press it. Suddenly the Challenge terminal swallowed His, there were only a few bytes left. - "Help", Bengt screamed so the snake skin shrinked, "you've eaten my best friend. Whatch yourself or I'll send for the big mean PS/2.", Bengt without skin continued, "And now you tell me where all people are, or I'll log you off. " - "Never !" - "Now you're gonna speak, plastic pot !", Bengt without skin roared smashing his fist onto the Challenge keyboard. The terminal rattled and out came all the people who were inside because they had stuck in a file buffer. Out from the Challenge came the most mysterious people Bengtie had ever seen. One of them was one meter tall and suddenly exclaimed: - "Hey my name is Alf and I'm stuck on Earth, I can't get back to my place of birth. I'm making the best of a bad situation, think of it as an extended vacation." It was the vacuum cleanel salesman from Kuala Lumpur who had been eaten first of all and learned a new language, and retrained himself as a prophet. He was quite thin and hairy, though. Alf the prophet said: - "The end is near!", on which the Universe exploded. 7 - "Good", said His who had just exited the Challenge, "she was the ugliest hooker of this town. Now I wanna go to the cinema. Then we'll go to the restaurant, because the food on this hotel was no good." He wasn't at all as silent and modest as he used to be. Egg Shell Bengt was very confused. His continued: - "And I wanna go to the amusement park and I wanna drive a car, but first I gotta get a driving license and I'm gonna go to the barber and get a cool hairdo and I'm gonna get dressed for success and..." - "Wait", yelled Bengt with the shell, "take it easy." - "And I wanna get a hobby and and ..." Thud ! it sounded as Egg Shell Bengt's right fist hit His chin with a force of 500 N. - "That's it! That sure shut him up." Bengt made their way through the masses while Alf had to carry the unconcious His. The crowd was huge and Egg Shell Bengt and Alf had to force their way through, enduring great exhaustion. Suddenly their way was blocked by a gang of big and hairy slobs who obviously thought that our heroes were carrying something valuable. - "Hold it right there !", said the biggest slob. - "Howdy", said Alf, "are we family, hairy idols ?" - "Yeah", said Snotlens, the biggest slob. - "Do ya wanna follow us home to Bengt's and watch TV ???", asked Alf. - "YEAH!", shouted the slobs and they were happily leaping away, forgetting His on the square. When His woke up it was in the middle of the night and all he saw was 300 orange Volvo l42's circling the square over and over again. "That looks funny", thought His and went up to one of the 'cars'. - "Can I join you too ?", said His. - "Are you begging for trouble, huh ?", said a disgusting slimy fat and ugly man in the Volvo. - "Who are you ?", said His. - "I'm Rutger the rocker", said Rutger the rocker. It turned out that Rutger wasn't dangerous at all. He worked in a paper-mill and was kinder than a hen. The rocker and His took the car and went home to His cabin. Alf and his Tartar-looking cousins were already there, and rockers and tarts don't fit together as we already well know. On the other hand, they gladly sit together, so Rutger and His also sat down by the TV. - "I'll get some snacks", said Egg Shell Bengtie who didn't really want to sit so crowdedly because of the shell that he was temporarily wearing. He fetched the green hairy rests of the mishmash and was just about to pass round the bowl when someone yelled: - "Wait, I wanna see TV too. Put me on the table so I can see." - "Who said that", wondered Rutger the rocker. - "Not me", said Bengt, whose shell seemed loose. - "Not me", said His. - "Not me", said Alf and his cousins in one voice. - "And not me", said Rutger the rocker. - "I wanna see TV too", said the voice again. Over the edge of bowl came two green hands. - "Hi, I'm Mould-Parson", said a green hairy creature, "It's fine that ya forgot ta wash the bowl of mishmash so that I was born, thank ya very much." - "You're welcome", said His, "it was nothing." Now when all that was fixed they could all watch TV. - "Yippee", said Alf, "I'm on TV again !" It was Alf who pointed the vacuum cleaner tube at himself. For three quarters of an hour he had a smashing show in front of the tube. Bengt was laughing so that the shell was fragmented and fell off. - "Now I'll turn on coffee", said Bengt and went into the room beside, where Coffee lived. When Meat Bengt passed Alf's hairy cousins, they were so terrified by Meat Bengt's appearance that they disappeared in a cloud of oily smoke. 8 Suddenly there was a knock on the door and His went to open it. Bang bang bang ! was heard from the door. It was a mad killer from Texas. He killed His and went into the TV-room, where he shot Alf, Bros, Rutger and Mould-Parson to death. Unfortunately a ricochet hit the killer, so he died too. 9 Meanwhile, Bengtie had finished turning on Coffee and carrying out the rest of his mission. They came to the TV-room and saw the mess. It was only Alf the vacuum cleanel salesman's vacuum cleaner who was alive, so Bengtie, who now had spruce bark, told the cleaner to suck up the dead instead of sucking itself. - "Wait a minute ... now I'm finished", said the cleaner whereafter it efficiently removed all the rags in the house. Unfortu- nately some parts of the house happened to be sucked too, making the house uninhabitable forever. - "Oh dear, oh dear !", sighed Spruce Bark Bengt and left the house. He was so sad about all that had happened that he didn't mind his step and he was walking right towards his well. A scream was heard all over the countryside when Bengt with the spruce bark fell into the well. - "I'm gonna drown", he thought, falling deeper and deeper, but that didn't come true because the well was drained. Bonk ! it sounded as Bengt's body was brought against the bottom of the well. - "Choo flute !", said Bengt, "no water." - "What's this ?", he thought, making the spruce bark creak, "here's a tunnel". He entered the tunnel. It was pitch dark. He crawled for what seemed to be an eternity. Now the tunnel leant upwards and soon Spruce Bark Bengt had a trap door above his head. He opened it and looked out. There he saw a gallery with lots of people, an ugly orchestra that was playing ugly music and two particularly stupid persons. - "What are you doing here ?", asked the one. - "Where do you come from ?", asked the other. - "Where am I ?", asked Spruce Bark Bengt. - "This is a live broadcast of Zick Zack.", they said to Bengt while a close-up of him was broadcast all over Sweden. His mug was seen on the screen for less than five seconds before he puked all over it because of Monica Dominiqueäuäue's mug. With a tasty jet coming from his mouth he turned towards her and decorated her with a cosy substance. At once she looked much nicer than Pa who was standing beside. - "5", said Rolle who was tonight's guest star. - "BINGO", yelled Bengt with his pukes splashing all over the studio. - "I can play ice hockey", said Rolle giving Bengt a whole bag of pucks. - "Hurrah", said Bengt and then he and Rolle sang "Rosen" ("The Rose") by Arne Quick in a sweet Duet. Then Rolle stepped on the gas and drove out to the life through a studio wall. When the Duet reached the speed of 200 km/h it suddenly became a time machine and Bengtie and Rolle went back to the feudal age. - "Oh Shit", said Bengtie, "now were stuck in a mud field, how are we gonna pump up the Duet into 200 km/h." - "It'll be all right", said Rolle, "let's go for a walk." He had never said so much before in his life, so he was totally exhausted and fell asleep in the Duet (model -62 of course). Bengt went up to a peasant who was close by and asked why the hell the grew mud on the field. - "We use it for building houses", answered the dumb peasant. - "You'll get much better houses with concrete", Spruce Bark Bengt told him, slowly sloughing again. He felt in his pocket and found some seeds for instant concrete, that had slipped in there while he fell into his well (that he had on the yard of the late His). - "Here you have some seeds, try them." - "Oh thank you very much, I'll sow them at once." So he did and a few minutes later a real concrete autobahn had emerged from the mud field. - "But Bengt", said Rolle, "how are we gonna get the car up on the road." - "I'll fix it", said Bengt. He took some pieces of his dissolving spruce bark and put them under the wheels of the Duet and drove it up on the road. - "Hold it !", said a man in charge of a squadron of armed soldiers, "what in the name of the law are you doing? Where does this come from ?", he said pointing at the motorway. - "We just sowed some seeds", said Bengt. - "Aha", said the man, "witchcraft, sorcery, evil spirits, you must be in alliance with Satan !!!" - "On no", said Rolle, "were just from the twentieth century." - "Liars !!!", shouted the man, "I sentence you to DEATH !!!" - "Your bodies will be cut into pieces and spread out to feed the vultures. Soldiers, arrest them !!!" - "Time to scram, huh", Rolle said to Banana Peal Bengt. - "All right. Bye bye folks, nice meeting you", said Banana Peal Bengt stepping on the gas. Vroom ! After a while they wre flying in time again. At the end of the 1400th century Bengt pushed out Rolle somewhere in Närke. (At a small lake (so he wouldn't hurt himself)) When he closed the car door he got stuck with his fringe in it. With great effort he released it again which made him very happy. 15 minutes before his house was destroyed he stopped the car and got out, put a brick on the gas pedal and waved goodbye to the Duet. Happy for seeing Coffee again he ran far out in the forest to pick morels. His skin started to grow out again. Suddenly a strange scent could be smelled behind Moss Bengt. - "It smells like coffee", said Bengo. And of course it was Coffee who came running. Coffee looked terrified when he saw Moss B. - "But you just turned me on", said Coffee. - "Sure, but now I'm here.", said Bengtie, "let's go and watch TV, shall we ?" - "YEEEAAAHHH !", yelled Coffee. Thus did they go to the house and got back just in time to stop the suction of the house, then they sat down to watch Zick Zack.