ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Compliments Of =Purgatory BBS 3 3 (207)-866-2399 3 3 THE STORY OF SPAM VOLUME THREE AND A HALF AND A HALF 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY NOTICE: This story has been known to confuse people quite easily so it is recommended that you return yourself to a uncomfortable position so that you will be ready for any shocks that you might receive reading this story. This story also insults Twinkies. And Ho-Hos. And Ring Dings. And the LipLess Wonder. THE STORY SO FAR: On a unusually boring day, Raphael Dareau, bored out of his skull, decided that it would be a good time to log in to something called NovaNET. Quite a few people say that this incident was not exactly the most brillant thing to let Raphael Dareau do, and some others say, "What possible harm could he have done to the natural order of things? This sort of thing is inevitable in any normal universe." And there is a guy on top of a mountain in the middle of Nepal meditating on this fact. He is quite unsure at this time. Anyway, Raphael Dareau achieved signon-ness, and logged into NovaNET shortly after the incident that caused the complete collapse of the Maine NovaNET structure. It also marked the end of something called the Matt Thomas era. In the beginning, there was NovaNET. The entire history of NovaNET upto the end of the Matt Thomas era was lost because of a tragic headon collision between a blimp and a submarine. Details of this incident are still classified, but one of the investagating officers called it "The most unique tragidies that has been known to mankind." However, unlike The Story of NovaNET, which has merged with The Story Of Spam, much is known about the history of Spam, from beginning to end. The actual history of NovaNET before the end of the Matt Thomas era is unfortunately held in the brain of the person who made the era possible. However, from the pieces from the wreckage of the blimp-submarine accident, there were bits of Nova History that was recovered. One day during the Matt Thomas era, The Bearded Wonder was playing Avatar at CAPS for the first time. Little did he know that one of the sinks in Neville Hall was used to dispose of Biological Waste. This lovely stuff when coming into contact with skin, caused the affected part of the body to fall off. The Bearded Wonder walked into this particular bathroom and filled the basin with water to begin washing his face. He started washing his face, and then noticed that water smelled funny. He screamed and was taken to the local medical facility, where he was rejected and taken to a chiropractor instead. The Chiropractor said that his back was fine, but they could not rescue his lips. By then, the lips had declared independence, and severed themselves from the Murph-Unit and joined forces with the Deb. The gangreen infection however, unfortunately, in The Bearded Wonder was cured, and afther this tramatic incident, The Bearded Wonder joined the Handicapped Lip Society, where he was quickly made President. All but the President part is just a theory. Even back those ancient days, no one really knew what happened to The Bearded Wonder, although the above is the most accepted theory. Others are: o The Bearded Wonder caught his lips in the windowsill, vices, or other type of mechanical apparatus. o The Bearded Wonder had gangreen of the lips. o He cut them off on a dare or as initiation to some group. At the near end of the Matt Thomas era, Jim Troutman climed Mt. Urbana and received a message from Felix, the God of the NovaNET machines. He gave Jim some huge tablets of the Commandments Of NovaNET, a waste many people said, as the Commandments were available in the local area in paperback. But Felix did not just give Jim a couple pounds of granite, but he also gave him a warning. There existed a creature called The Guardian Of The Lips which travelled with a local deity called the Deb. Deb was in charge of the universe called =maine, and Felix fortold of destruction and meyhem was about to be put onto the people in this universe. Jim did not know what to think, so he ignored it. Then about 4 months later, The Deb and The Guardian Of The Lips swooped down into =maine and began to kill signons left and right, causing much panic. The only true one that was ineffected by this action was Jim himself, for Felix gave him an aurora that Deb and The Lips could not penetrate and they kept bouncing off the aura everytime that they attacked Jim. However, many were not so lucky -- in fact, Felix laughed as The Lips chased and killed signons across the vast lands of =maine. And for those who did survive, life was just not the same. Term-Talk, otherwise known as the Tower Of Babble, crumbled to the ground. Other features such as Avatar and Talkomatic were disabled for periods of time, keeping people at bay during the daytime hours. Slowly, but surely, life in =maine began to slowly return to normal, and as long as Deb was happy, everyone was happy. Now before we make the connection between NovaNET and Spam, here is a few things that everyone should know about Spam. Spam had its beginnings back in 1937 when Jay Hormel, one of the major people of the Hormel Meat Company, found out that several thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder existed within one of their storehouses, and they had to find a quick solution to get rid of it in anyway before the meat rotten and caused a bigger mess than it already was doing. Jay Hormel decided that it would be a good idea to have the meat shipped to his secret laboratory. He took the meat and began to mix different products into it. A big black puff of smoke rose from one particular combination, and it caused such a flash that Jay had to look away for a second. After several seconds after the flash, he looked and saw a cubical piece of meat that took the place of all the ingrediants that he mixed together. Daringly, he tasted the product. It did taste kinda strange, but it was not beyond all hope. In fact, it tasted well enough that it would take care of the extra meat that they had rotting in storage. He then began to market it under Hormel luncheon meat, which many people decided was the dumbest name to come into existance since Fresca, so an emergency meeting was held to find a better name for the new substance. The President declared that the person who came up with the new name for the meat would receive $100. Mady people sitting at that table pondered the idea for a few minutes, then all of sudden, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled out "SPAM" and ran down the hallway. Surprised, YET quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was forever dubbed with that ever-holy name and most everyone saw that it was good, as soon it achieved itself into its current definition -- A meat substance that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second and is sold in more thant 50 countries. The meat was so popular that Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita Khrishchev called it one of the only things to keep the Soviet Army alive. Then 50 years later, Spam had a birthday. The luncheon meat was featured in Minnesota and in many different ways -- a luncheon that featured an "all you can eat" Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there were Spam Pizzas and Spam submarine sandwitches (which is not what crashed into the Blimp, or was it?). There was also a Spam eating contest where contestants were times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Fingers were the only utensils that were allowed during the contest and they could only drink a 7 ounce glass of water. There was also a Spam sculpting contest where artist were "free" to express themselves. Also, this jamboree featured the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, and bicycle and foot races. Also, A Spam King and Queen were chosen. What kind of connection does this have with anything, you might ask yourself. It started with NovaNET with something like this. Laecretius, a powerful sorcerer under the control of Raphael Dareau, was cruising around level 14 in a NovaNET game called Avatar [UNFINISHED]