ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Compliments Of 12-20-1991 3 3 3 3 =PURGATORY BBS 3 3 (207)-866-2399 3 3 3 3 SysOps: Thanatos and Raphael Dareau 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDY 3 3 3The Story Of Spam - Volume 3 1/23 3Much Ado About Nothing In Orono!3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY BRIEF INTRODUCTION The last "Story Of Spam" was the longest that ever existed and many people complained about its 9 page length, commenting that the text seemed to be constant blabber ... as if it was a term paper that needed to be an EXACT length and a person wanted to find a way to extend some words. That is why this text is coming into existence -- to keep things concise, clear, and less wordy. Plus, there was some inconsistencies that were noticed in the story, which will be corrected in the following text. ANOTHER BRIEF INTRODUCTION This is the Story Of Spam. The title is not fitting however in this text as it had been in others. In order to keep the reader disinterested in the text, some other things have been added, hence the name "Much Ado About Nothing In Orono." However, this text will be kept from becoming a constant blabber and if you do not like this new text, then please feel obligated to stick your head in a bucket of piranha fish. Also, some of the names of the people in this text have NOT been changed, and they will probably will never be able to get another decent job. Also, this will be the last story of Spam for the rest of the year. IIIII n the beginning, there was NovaNET. However, due to a I tragic blimp accident, much of the history of NovaNET I was lost. However, much is known about this computer I system after something called The Matt Thomas Era, IIIII which is an era that NovaNET signons were flung around like pennies in a auditorium that contains McKernan. However, at the start of recorded history, things began to change quickly. The entire universe was in shock as the Debmeister and The Guardian Of The Lips swooped down on NovaNETland and began to viciously attack people like crazed piranhas. And those who did survive the attack that caused the eventual collapse of the Matt Thomas era was subjected to NovaNET poverty and could do little or nothing. The Tower Of Babbling was destroyed, which destroyed Term-Talk instantly. Talkomatic was damaged as well, but it was not as hit as hard. According to legend, which was written in two large stone tablets that were carried down from Mt. Urbana, troutman/dialup/nova was the only one that was not effected, as his aurora was the best deflector for anything that the Lips and the Debmeister could dish out. The stone tablets turned out to be the Ten Commandments Of NovaNET, which were given to troutman during his visit to Mt. Urbana by the Great One after he solved his quest for a Shiva. This transaction truly marked the end of the Matt Thomas era. SPAM W W orking late one night in 1937 in his secret W W laboratory, Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He W W W worked at the Hormel Meat Company and he had several WW W WW thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder that he did WWWWW not know what to do with -- and he had to find something to do with all the extra meat before it rotted. He then began to mix different products into the meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he finally looked at the final product, he saw a huge cubical piece of meat. Carefully, he tasted the product, which tasted a bit odd, but yet had possibilities. He then began to market it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word "hip." Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to come up with a catchy name. After several minutes of pondering, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled "SPAM", and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed the ever-holy name and the meat began to reproduce into its current definition -- A meat substance that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second and is sold in more than 50 countries. Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the Soviet Army alive. Then 50 years later, Spam's birthday was celebrated in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in many different ways -- a luncheon that featured a "all you can eat" Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam Pizza and Spam submarine sandwitches. There was a Spam eating contest where contestants were timed as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing that they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artist could show their favorite medium to work in. Also, the jamboree featured the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, and bicycle and foot races. Also, A Spam King And Queen was chosen. Also, much literature and music was written about the meat substance. 3001: A SEARCH FOR SPAM As I made my way down the tunnel toward my favorite hangout, I got a pain in my stomach. I had only felt this way once before, but that was many years ago. The doctor told me that it was gas, but I knew this was much more than gas; it was a pain sent to me as a message from the gods. I felt better after a while, so I proceeded to my hangout. When I got there, it was empty except for the bartender. I approached him and ordered one Pepsi and a disk of Spam. He looked at me with deep concern and told me the whole complex was out of Spam. "How could this be?" I thought. "No Spam. Can I survive without Spam?" I asked the bartender if there was anything I could do to help find more Spam. He told me that a meeting was being held in the town square on the matter, and that everybody was there now. That's when I realized that the pain was a message telling me that I was the one that must save us all and find Spam. I jumped on my motorized tricycle and headed for the meeting. When I got there, a man was standing on a giant Tide box he had turned into a makeshift stage. He was saying, "As you all know, in the mid-21st century, we were driven underground by global warming. The only thing we took with us was a large supply of Spam, and as most of us have discovered, that supply has run out. We have other foods to eat, but we have all been eating Spam for so long, we now have a physical dependence on it. Without it, we will go mad. Our scientists have already made some digging machines equipped with Spam radar. I say we start a search immediately for another underground civilization that has the technology to make Spam." We all agreed and headed for the machines. Two people were assigned to each vehicle. My partner's name was Chris. His job was to watch the radar and mine was to drive. While most of the groups started moving outward, I had a hunch that the best way to go would be straight down. Chris thought I was crazy, but he wasn't driving. We went straight down. After we had driven down for two hours, it became hot, but luckily we had air conditioning. Chris watched the radar with an eagle's eye and his own eyes too, but there was no sight of Spam. We traveled for several more hours. When my stomach growled and Chris started to sweat from lack of Spam, there was nothing to do but what we did. I broke the glass panel labeled EMERGENCY. I took out a small can of Spam and shared it with Chris. Of course, we had other foods in the machine to eat, but I didn't want anything except for Spam. We had to find Spam now. If we didn't find some in less than 24 hours, we would die for sure. There was no turning back. Just when we were about to turn back, Chris told me he had a faint Spam signal on the radar. We celebrated by licking the empty Spam can. The longer we traveled, the stronger the signal became. It got real hot. When Chris told me the air conditioner had broken under the strain, I barely heard him. We would be finding Spam soon, and that was all that mattered. I could almost feel that slimy meat replica going down my throat. "The Spam readings have shot off the scale. We should be finding the mother lode any time now," Chris told me. Suddenly we broke through a shell into a large chamber. A great aroma overcame us. It was Spam! "The instruments tell me that huge ball is two things. One, it is the very core of the Earth. Two, it is pure Spam," Chris said in a state of awe. At that very moment, a small ball of moldy Spam flew over my head. "Mold -- did you see mold? I didn't know that stuff ever went bad," I said to Chris. Then I spotted what had shot the ball at us. Two cats were evidently guarding the core. They were shooting catapults at us, but luckily they were bad shots. A closer look made us think that their cataracts had to do with it than luck, though. We paid them off with some catnip, so they let us pass. We grabbed a big chunk of Spam and headed back for the complex. When we got back, there was a huge celebration in honor of our Spam discovery. The crowd began chanting for a victory speech, so I gave them one. "Yo, Adrienne, I achieved Spamness." - By Damon Heitland Of Ada, OK The Monty Python Sketch - SPAM Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and Mrs. Bun enter -- downwards. Mr. Bun: Morning. Waitress: Morning. Mr. Bun: What have you got, then? Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam. Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything without spam in it? Waitress: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's not got much spam in it. Mrs. Bun: I don't want any spam. Mr. Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage? Mrs. Bun: That's got spam in it! Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam. Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam? Waitress: Uuuuuuuggggh! Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuuggggh?! I don't like SPAM! Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ... Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon spam, and sausage without the spam. Mrs. Bun: Why not? Waitress: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it? Mrs. Bun: I don't like SPAM! Mr. Bun: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam ... Mr. Bun: ... baked beans, spam, spam, and spam. Waitress: Baked beans are off. Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead? Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam? Vikings: ... spam, spam, spam, spam... Mr. Bun: Yes. Waitress: Arrrrgh! Vikings: ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ... Waitress: Shut up! Shut up! A Hungarian enters. Hungarian:Great boobies huneybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam... Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam... Waitress: Shut up! Hungarian:My nipples explode... Cut to a historian. Historian:Another great viking victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and wated for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ... Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air. CREDITS ROLL Monty Python's Flying Circus was conceived, written and spam performed by Spam Terry Jones Michael Spam Palin John Spam Cleese Graham Spam Spam Spam Chapman Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle Terry Spam Sausage Spam Egg Spam Gilliam Also Appearing On Toast The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips And Singers Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh, And Hazer Pethig Too Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato) Balfour (Not Sundays) Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious Millichope (Spam Extra) Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurse, pheasant, spam newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose Lighting Otis (Spam's Off Dear) Eddy Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d BBC SPAM TV Service Not Included "Here is my list of demands." "I'm sorry, but plutonium is kinda hard to find." "Oh, that. You can just substitute Spam!" -Night Court Spamalope: "Fast as fast can be, no one will DARE to EAT ME!" - Mix Of The Far Side And Raphael Dareau's Parody Of A Famous Phrase On America's Funniest People. "Isn't it true that the state of Nebraska is entirely made up of Spam?" - Dave Barry, Bangor Daily News. BACK TO NOVA Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer, was running level 14 in Avatar, roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers do, and was having fun making the millions that he usually does, when all of a sudden he ran into something called Ninja. Ninja did not appreciate Laecretius teleporting into his room and awakening him from his nap, and instantly took out his Ginsu knives and sliced through Laecretius like the tin cans in the commercials. Laecretius yelled out "OH SPAM", fell to the floor, and promptly died. These words that he yelled were echoed around the walls of the dungeon and were actually amplified so that the entire dungeon heard his last words before Laecretius's total demise. Within the next few minutes, the conversations between warriors, magicians, thieves, etc, were about Spam and it happened so fast that it made people dizzy when they were finally subjected to the concept. People kept talking about their favorite items, but they wondered what it would be like if those particular items were made of Spam, for example, Helmet Of Spam. However, this topic was not totally liked, as people got sick of it rather quickly and yelled out "No more SPAM!" before they turned off their ability to receive messages of any kind from any other player of any kind, especially those characters that belonged to Raphael Dareau, the creator of the new NovaNET concept. As soon as alpert t became involved, KOR and SPAM became one and acted like a single unit. After the creation of the Spam phrases and the Nova concept of it, it began to spread at a rate that could not have been predicted by anyone. It overflowed not only AVATAR, but Nova itself and the local Bangor BBS's. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far away, Felix stood on the bridge of his Imperial StarShip watching over his dominion. His executive officer was monitoring the status of the portals of the other universes while Felix sat in his Captain's chair for the purpose of looking important. After all, there was not much to do as he had an iron fist over CERL and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. Finally, he felt like he should give an order to make himself look important. "Lieutenant Jones, would you please open a hailing frequency to Grog's Pizza and have them beam up 21 large grease bombs to go?" "Aye-aye, sir." Suddenly, the red alert alarms came on and a huge vessel appeared and fired. Felix's Imperial StarShip shook wildly. Felix's Tactical Officer then announced, "Incoming Vessel from the NOVA portal! Sensors indicate it is powered by a improbability drive!" Then pink blobs came out of a torpedo tube of the enemy vessel and began to stick onto the Imperial StarShip. "Sensors indicate no damage from the objects, however, they are creating excess mass on our hull, decreasing our maneuverability. The objects appear to be made of a Spam like substance." "Fire all available weapons.", Felix ordered. Powerful weapons lanced out into space but the other ships shields absorbed all of the energy quite nicely. "Incoming Message from the Enemy Vessel." "On screen.", Felix said with a sigh. "Don't be alarmed, Mr. Orotony. Be very very afraid." Felix kept firing, hoping that one of his phasers or torpedoes would knock out Merlin's main power source, a cup of tea, but all attempts failed. Theo destroyed the Imperial StarShip with a slingshot that was armed with a keg of Spam and Felix's vessel became a bowl of petunias and they sighed, "Not again!" before being destroyed by the flick of a sperm whales tail. However, Felix escaped in his trusty pod and headed back to Magrathea, which is an incredible clone to =pad. With the Spamalope, Merlin kept bombarding the planet with his Spam missiles and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, causing CERL to collect a fleet to destroy this nuisance. However, much of CERL was too far away to actually kill this person, so they offered high powers to him if he was to leave =pad alone. He agreed, but CERL squeezed out of the agreement, which encouraged Merlin, who was eventually joined by Raphael Dareau and Gecko (Thanatos). However, this portal was the only way to affect CERL and things from NOVA could not exist long within the alternate universe therefore the attacks did not maintain themselves. However, 21 large pizzas mysteriously appeared within Nova on a Thursday. Spam found several domains within the NovaNET world. It resided not only in AVATAR and =pad, but it found it's homebase within =purgatory, a notesfile that was quite like =pad, but it was locally based by Raphael Dareau and was known to have been somewhat of a success, as people actually used it. =Pad was the location of the portal that went to CERL, and Merlin frequently slung Spam into the Portal, not only hitting Felix and his Imperial StarShip, but he hit countless innocents as well. Then once CERL devised the ultimate defense, the Spam Shields and Death Threats, phrases were tossed out into the portals from sources such as Monty Python's Flying Circus, The HitchHikers Guide To The Galaxy, and Star Trek. The Star Trek itself was not regarded as bad, more of a sugar coating over the rest of the material that came through. The Death Threats did not work though, and the Spam Shields eventually eroded under the weight. However, the term "slinging" became quite popular, and the Pro-Spam people became to be known as "The Slingers Of The Spam." Then things became worse when many slingers were given higher powers on NovaNET. These higher powers were known as "meauthor". Then a few celebrations occurred. The Thomasrino and Merlin decided to cook a can of Spam at midnight at Merlin's house. The smell quickly engulfed the entire house, causing Merlin's Parental Unit to be resurrected to a state of consciousness. She quickly went to the head of the stairs and yelled "What IS that AWFUL smell?" As last report, it took 3 days to remove the essence of the Spam-Cookathon. Months went by. Then the Great Felixmeister, who had recovered enough funds to rebuild his Imperial StarShip, decided that he would extend more powers over more of NovaNET. He took firm control of Avatar, and then decided to change the entire look with the current version at CERL. He created monsters in the game that would finish the entire game, and people made suicide runs to the lowest part of the game and they quickly got toasted by Astral Traveller or by some other nasty. (Laecretius got toasted by Scubbi for 2881 damage, which killed him too fast to enable him to yell "Oh Spam.") Then the game became different in the mass transport from CERL to NOVA. However, Spam at this time began to overflow into real-life in the Bangor area of Maine. Murph, Schultz, Winn, and a few others were hit the hardest, as the Slingers Of The Spam visited within their domain, a little place in Orono called CAPS, a truly marvelous place that you would not like to see. NOVA overlapped this place, and people frequently went here to use Nova en masse, creating huge groups of Characters to go down into the dungeon of AVATAR to make money. One such group was called =zhentarim, a group that was in direct competition with =warlond. =Warlond was headed by the mysterious Murphy S/Umaine, who for some reason vanished quickly after the Incident in Revelations. Murph and Schultz in particular, became quite annoyed at the visits of The Slingers Of The Spam, and Schultz, who ran the head-Warlock at the time, announced universally, "NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM!", not that they really paid any attention. Murph bombarded the group by asking them: Do you have any thing else better to do?/Do you have homes?/I'll pay you $5 if you go home RIGHT NOW. Raphael Dareau retaliated with Merlin and Gecko acting as shields. However, the CAPS group did have hearts, and decided that perhaps that if they rescued these souls from the afterlife when they died in AVATAR, that they might concede to their ideas. This never happened however. Then the Gods Of NovaNET got together in a conference about the entire ordeal on Nova. They took special attention to the course that the Spam ideals were taking, and they decided it was much more obtrusive than anything that had occurred. They decided to take action, showing these pitiful people that they could me much more OBTRUSIVE than anything else in the world. After they had completed this, they were delighted with the results. They had made CERL and NOVA one whole and complete Universe, taking away the breathing Space that the Slingers Of The Spam had. Besides, this action saved them $1 million a year, because it was very hard to clean CERL from all the soiling the Slung-Spam had caused them. It was at this time in history that Raphael Dareau to coin the phrase, "I'd like to change your mind...by hitting it with a rock..." Then it happened. Judgement Day. The Debmeister swooped back down to the Earth and began to attack people again, like the last time, but this time for keeps. Again, Jim Troutman remained unaffected, as all blows and such things that caused most of the other people on the System to die remained ineffective. Indeed, few people remained. Raphael Dareau survived, but barely. Murph, Winn, and Schultz still survived. Leonardo still survives also. Then, Debbe sucked all the ports out of existence, cutting many contacts. A few of these people had signons, but they had no way to use them -- except for the rare occasion that the fabric of the local universe wears thin and the Nova universe is visible through the crack in the fabric. Then Spam slowly began to fizzle out. However, before it lost more of it's sight, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Gecko found out that Spam Pizza was not wholely bad (Even though Gecko wanted his stomach pumped for a second time.), that Merlin's Parental Unit can be made to evaculate the house quickly and more efficently than ever imagined. The Boy's locker room at Orono High School has a piece of Spam hidden in the panels at the top of the ceiling -- which has been there since November 3rd, 1991 (The Rats Haven't Touched It Yet.) -- and Gecko had to do this to keep his parents from poking and staring at it all of the time in the freezer. Merlin also discovered a Can Of Spam in a stocking on Christmas morning, which his Mom and his sister thought was hilarious, until Merlin threated to cook it then and there. The Spam Incident happened at the John Bapst Library, where three members of the Anti-Spam (Leo, Don and the Sexman) took a can of Spam that Raphael Dareau brought in, and threw it across the entire room, causing the can to split when it hit the floor, causing a horid smell and mess. The library still smells like Spam to this day. (And the librarian thinks it is a new wood cleaner.) Gecko has chased several teachers away with just the mentioning of Spam. And finally, the Thomasrino has decided to become Anti-Spam. However, a prophet on top of King's Mountain decided that it was written in the stars that Spam would make a comeback some day in the near future, that is, if Eloise Daniels doesn't make it completely as a Cartoon Superhero with Dan Quayle. The Slingers Of The Spam wait for its return... However there are those who believe that Spam has changed into another form. One of thses forms that it is believed to had becomed is that of a IBM computer program called TriTel. Tritel, however, resembled KOR more than it resembles Spam, but this may not be entirely true. The only real simularity between Spam and TriTel is that is was made almost by the same way. M.G. was working on his latest BBS program, which for some reason did not seem to be working at the time, but he spend many sleepless nights working on this program, a supposed replacement for many BBS types. However, after many times debugging the program, he finally was satified with the package. It was at this time that he and Mutant Slime decided it was time to give the program life. M.G. placed the TriTel disk on a bench, and put electrical wires on the disk and clamped them to the media. Then after clearing the immediate area, Mark threw a huge switch, causing electricity from Bangor Hydro to flow into the disk. Then the disk began to move and Mutant Slime announced, "It's ALIVE!!" Indeed, at that point, TriTel was born, and it began to spread in almost the same exact way as Spam did, but on a grander scale. Within 2 months, people in Europe heard about TriTel and began to use it. But unlike Spam, TriTel's growth did not reach the "deadly plateau", but it kept growing. However, people decided that TriTel was not wholely KOR, as it is editable, unlike KOR. Several recipies were made involving triTel, but to conserve space, we ask that you look at "How To Eat TriTel", written by the same author as this publication. Or was it? If you hate these texts, you probabally won't like these ones either: y The Story Of Spam y The Story Of Spam, Volume 2 y The Story Of Spam, Volume 3 y How To Eat TriTel y Story Of TriTel y Adventures Of Eloise Daniels the HEROINE.