ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 The Story Of Spam - Volume III 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY Disclaimer This is The Story Of Spam as recalled from a time not so long ago, even though some people wish it was. The contents of the following text can confuse and mangle the fabric of peoples minds, so be warned. Most of the following is sadly true, but it did mark a permanent mark in a few peoples lives. This is the tale on how it all began. Enjoy this text! ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 1 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY Working late one night in 1937 in his secret labratory, Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He worked at the Hormel Meat Company and he had several thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder that he did not know what to do with - and he had to find something to do with all this extra meat before it rotted. He then began to mix different products into the meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he did finally look, a huge cubical piece of meat came into existence. He tasted the product, which seemed to taste a bit odd, but it had possibilities. Then then began to market it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word "hip." Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to come up with a catchy name. Several minutes of pondering when on. Then finally, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled "SPAM" and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed "SPAM" and it began to spread to its current modern definition - A meat substance that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second. ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 2 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY Laecretius, who lived in the continous realm of Avatar, was a relatively powerful sorcerer and enjoyed his life of roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers do. He ran level 14 with pride, despite the wise words of those who knew better - he kept on roasting and toasting monsters like any fine young and relatively powerful sorcerer does. Then one fine day, while teleporting to the level he loved best (14, of course!), he teleported into a Ninja encounter. Ninja was a formidable opponent when the player had all the upper advantages, but this time the Ninja was prepared as he came out of hiding and cut Laecretius in two before Laecretius knew what was going on. Laecretius thudded to the floor of the dungeon and yelled out "OH SPAM" before his mortal wound caught up with him. These words bounced off the walls of Avatar and many people heard of these words. The people that did hear these words, like the people at Hormel, were surprised, but still quick to adapt, and began to spread the word of SPAM and began to assimilate it into their normal language. For two hours straight after the word of SPAM was leaked, people continously babbled about it. Phrases such as "Your ear is filled with SPAM" and "You were teleported in solid SPAM." and began to think of such items such as "Wand Of Spam" and "Helmet Of Spam". The people who did not think that this was a positive thing to talk about shouted, "No MORE SPAM.", joined the Anti-Spam Legion, shut off their ability to receive messages from other players, and continued their existance. The people that began to enjoy the entire concept joined the Spam, and continueed on with their daily routines. The people who just did not care joined the Neutral Luncheon Meat (which split into groups like Bologna, MeatLoaf, and The Rabid Children, but these groups did not last long.) which acted like a apathetic society. However, these Anti-Spam groups could not stop the inevitable filling of Avatar with SPAM. It began to take over the game and people's E-message topics. Then it soon overflowed into other parts of NovaNET and began to spread at an uncontrolable rate. After overflowing to the AUTHOR prompt, it then moved over to =pad. =Pad was the most popular and most widely read notesfile in existance on Nova and Cerl. Soon, Spam became one of the many commonly used topics in Pad and it then began to overflow to CERL, thanks to the System Link. The CERL people, who were godly to the entire system, found this concept in the notes that they read and they generally did not like and enjoy it, and soon after reading the 1,000th note about it, they began to send out death threats to the Slingers Of The Spam, which is what they were now called instead of the Spam, which was a dull name like Hormel Luncheon Meat. Merlin, who frequented =pad, began to sling Spam at the Felixmeister, who seemed to hate the entire concept from the beginning, freshly every day and got several people in the crossfire. These people did not enjoy it and joined the people of CERL in their attempts to keep The Slingers Of The Spam quiet. The people at CERL began to realize that death threats were not threatening enough and none of them had enough money to fly to Maine therefore they began to try and bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with high level signons. However, they failed because they could not pull through with their end of the deal, and this just encouraged these Slingers to double their efforts. Pretty soon, SPAM found its home base. These places were called TalkLine, =spam, and =purgatory. =Purgatory was the =pad of Maine, and soon became popular between the Slingers, Antis, and the Neutrals alike. However, this ended up to be the main babbling point, which inevitably included SPAM. TalkLine was a babbling point also designed for people to just babble at each other live. Version 3 - 5 of this program proved to do this quite well and soon replaced confcall and TalkoMatic - which also meant that the focal point of NovaSex was moved as well on the Spam side of things. =Spam, created by Merlin, was the real place were people sling Spam. Every note in there for a good solid two months were about the meat and people soon left this for =purgatory, which had a little more variety in luncheon meats. TalkLine was abandoned by a few because they were quite annoyed because a new version of the program was practically written every week - and when it did work properly, people were being obtrusive to each other because they continued to use the TERM-boot option, which had the ability to remove anyone from the lesson - and for some reason people did not like to be removed from a lesson when they are having a hearty conversation with another person. ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 3 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY Several months went by and then the great Felixmeister announced that a new Avatar was about to be born. Many people panicked and began to give away very useful items for little or no price. Then the change happened, a new realm of Avatar was born, and many people thought that the slinging of the Spam would end with the death of the old Avatar. However, that statement was incorrect and Spam was brought back to Avatar and coused the Anti-Spam to revolt more. This sudden revolt caused the Spam to revolt more. Things in general, however, were a bit more discreet than when Spam first come out and conflicts were more localized. It was during this time when Murph walked into =purgatory, fed up with the SPAM concept, and uttered with his non-existant lips at the top of his voice, "NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM." Many people pondered with interest and confusion. Shortly after he yelled this, Merlin, joined by NovaTeflon and Raphael Dareau (who were leaders of the Slingers Of The Spam), began to make frequent trips to CAPS, where NovaNETers like Murph where known to frequent. Soon, in a fit of agony, Murph uttered out at 3 in the morning, "Who in the HELL started this ***! SPAM thing." The real culprit, Raphael Dareau, began to sulk in his chair and continued to play Epigoni, one of the Spam characters in Avatar. The main Slinger Of Spam, Merlin, laughed out loud evilily and said he was. Murph agreed that he was a likely candidate for doing such a thing. NovaTeflon just remained passive and pointed to Theo. It was also a common fact that when Murph began to become irratated with the Slingers Of The Spam "living" at Neville Hall, he began to ask, "Don't you guys have HOMES." They just replied, "No, and continueed to sling Spam." And then life went on as usual with Spam. Until... ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 4 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY One hot and lazy day when no one was expecting it, The Debmeister swooped down from her own universe and instantly sucked all the NovaNET ports out of existance, which was the cause of the collapse of the local universe around Bangor, Maine. The people who frequented NovaNET were in shock, suffered NovaNET withdrawls, and began to go increadably insane before recovering. However, with the collapse of the universe, Spam somehow survived. This time it spread to other forms such as BBS Electronic Mail and then it spread to actual life things. The Slingers Of The Spam groups began to organize at JBMHS and Orono High School, which a few people did not understand, but were forced to accept the ideas. Many BBS's began to overflow with Spam, much like Avatar did, and then it became obtrusive to the Anti-Spam. It became MUCH worse when The Electra Byte came into existance and surported a few things that Nova had. One of these things is that more than one person could use the System at a time. This allowed for the Slingers Of The Spam to be obtrusive to others live, just like NovaNET offered. Many people liked the ideas, others hated it. This went on as usual life and it fluctuated in and out of existance and life went on in its usual cycle. Gorgon joined the SPAM group and began to yell everytime he appeared, "It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the answers." This got on the Anti-Spam nerves and they just began to leave Electra Byte BBS every time they heard this. You could even hear their footsteps as they ran down the hallway. Then NovaTeflon decided to run a local Bangor BBS to increase his obtrusiveness in the local area, and it did prove to be very obtrusive. ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 5 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY On May 18th, 1990, was the infamous Spam festival that was held in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in many different ways - a luncheon that featured a "all you can eat" Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam sandwitches for 99 cents as well as Spam Pizza and Spam submarine sandwiches. Also, there was the Spam eating contest where contestants will be times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artists could show their favorite median to work in. Also the jamboree featured the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, cicycle and foot races. Also, A Spam King and Queen was chosen. Other noteworthy things about Spam that is not so known are: * Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943. * Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the Soviet Army alive. * It is sold in more thant 50 countries. ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 6 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY Many noteworthy things in the history of Spam has occured in recent months around the Bangor Area. On the Last Day of something called High School, Raphael Dareau brought in a can of Spam at a tournament. The Anti-Spam at this School, which consisted with Leo, Don, and the Sexman, called foul and took the can and tossed it across the school library where it promptly split open and spread all over the place. As soon as the can split, the library began to fill with the noticeable smell of Spam - which the library still smells like to this day. Finally, a person decided that they should clean up the meat before it rotted in the library. In another corner of the Universe, NovaTeflon began to spread it around their High School where it was somewhat more accepted than it was at Raphael's side of the universe. However, a few people still did not accept the idea. Indeed, one teacher in the middle of a study hall heard NovaTeflon and yelled out, "No MORE SPAM!" and ran down the hallway as fast as she could. Since then, there has been surprisingly very little people in that part of the universe that is part of the Anti-Spam. For what it exists there, all we know is that the organization as we know it revolves around someone called the Thomasrino, also a fellow NovaNETer, but for some reason, probabally due to the destruction of the Matt Thomas Era, did not witness the birth of this new concept. A few nights later, Merlin and a person who wishes to remain unknown, was up at midnight cooking some of the meat. The smell began to immediately engulf the entire house and within a matter of minutes, his mother woke up due to the smell, walked down the stairs and asked, "Theo, what IS that stuff you are cooking?" "Spam", he replied. His Mom turned a greenish color, said "That's Nice" and went back to bed. But she was obviously not a happy camper. If you can recall that in the earlier volumes of The Story Of Spam that was the last thing to occur in Spam History, we now will tell you that more events have occured. On one fine November day this year, NovaTeflon, Merlin, and Raphael Dareau got together and began to be obtrusive with Spam again. With the power of the three-some, they broke the barrier that the Debmeister had made for 25 minutes and they visited =purgatory again. However, it was not filled with Spam - it was just there with hardly anything new in there. However, within its deep archives was notes about the luncheon meat which still existed, as well as details about "Let's Watch Abner Dodge The Dodge." and "The Top Ten List Of Things I Will Have To Run Over Before I Get My Driver's List" by Raphael Dareau. Just on a tangent, Raphael Dareau has only run over 3 of the 10 things in that list. And in =purgatory, it is of interest to note that this is where Leonardo Borowski came, left, came again, left again, came back again, left again, and then came back again. Back to the story, the latest Spam incident was that around 4pm one fine Saturday in November, 1991, was that Raphael Dareau, NovaTeflon, and Merlin were getting hungry and decided to have something to eat. They walked down the closest story, via Eyeballs house, and picked up 2 cheese pizzas, a can of Spam, and 4 liters of a dull Orange soda. They then fried the Spam at Merlin's house, again filling the house with the smell, which caused Merlin's parental unit to abandon the house for several hours, and then layered the cheese pizza with Spam. They then took the final product, took it into Merlin's living room and began to consume the product while watching Doctor Who. Everything seemed to be all right except that everyone lost track of time and then they remembered that they had to leave Merlin's house soon. However, everything was not lost as NovaTeflon collected two slices of left-over Spam and took it for the purposes of Slinging at school. Raphael Dareau and NovaTeflon left Merlin's house and walked to his house, where Raphael's ride was waiting. Then, according to legend, NovaTeflon put the slices of Spam in the freezer, where his parental units could stare at it, poke at it, wonder what it is made of, etc. However, we do not know yet what results came about when NovaTeflon slung the Spam at school. That will be covered in The Story Of Spam, Volume IV. This is the entire current history that had been brought up to date as of November 3rd, 1991. We hoped that you enjoyed the text, despite its length. If you have anything to add to the story, either stick your head in a bucket of pihrana fish, or contact either Merlin, Raphael Dareau, or NovaTeflon. You can find these three at CAPS or on the local BBS's. Also, Raphael Dareau has been known to invade pizzarias that have the speciality of pepperoni and Spam pizzas. ZDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Chapter 7 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDY We will conclude this story with the TRUE story of Spam, as known by the BBC and Monty Python. Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and Mrs. Bun enter -- downwards. Mr. Bun: Morning. Waitress: Morning. Mr. Bun: What have you got, then? Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam. Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything with spam in it? Waitress: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's not got much spam in it. Mrs. Bun: I don't want any spam. Mr. Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage? Mrs. Bun: That's got spam in it! Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam. Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam? Waitress: Uuuuuuugggggh! Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuugggggh! I don't like SPAM! Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam... Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam. Mrs. Bun: Why not? Waitress: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it? Mrs. Bun: I don't like SPAM! Mr. Bun: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam... Mr. Bun: ...baked beans, spam, spam and spam. Waitress: Baked beans are off. Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead? Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam? Vikings: ...spam, spam, spam, spam.... Mr. Bun: Yes. Waitress: Arrrggh! Vikings: ... lovely spam, wonderful spam... Waitress: Shut up! Shut up! A Hungarian enters. Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam... Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam... Waitress: Shut up! Hungarian: My nipples explode.... Cut to an historian... Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam...spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... lovely spam, wonderful spam... Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air. Credits Roll: Monty Python's Flying Curcus was conceived, written and spam performed by Spam Terry Jones Michael Spam Palin John Spam John Spam John Spam Cleese Graham Spam Spam Spam Chapman Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle Terry Spam Sausage Spam Egg Spam Gilliam Also Appearing On Toast: The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips and Singers Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh, And Hazer Pethig Too Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato) Balfour (Not Sundays) Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious) Millichope (Spam Extra) Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurst, pheasant, spam newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose Lighting Otis (Spam's Off Dear) Eddy Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d BBC SPAM TV Service Not Included ZDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Final Notes 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDY Other Texts: * The Story Of Spam * The Story Of Spam, Volume Two * The Story Of Spam, Volume Three * The Story Of TriTel * The Story Of TriTel, Volume Two * How To Eat TriTel ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 Another Dull BBS Ad 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY =Purgatory BBS - Located In Orono, Maine. (207)-866-2399 SysOp: Thanatos Co-Sysops: Raphael Dareau and FSO